Why do couples argue more while a spouse visa application is pending?
Foreigners Employment Support Organization (FESO) ／ Published ／ Last updated
This article is a translation of the Japanese original. Where the two differ, the Japanese version prevails.
Read the Japanese original（日本語版を読む）
Answer
It is not unusual for a couple to argue more while an application is pending. The burden of gathering documents, the pressure of proving that the marriage is real, the worry of not knowing the result, and the barriers of language and culture all come at once. Deciding who does what, and setting aside time to talk, can ease much of it.
What is this enquiry about?
An enquiry about a couple whose relationship becomes strained while they are preparing an application for a Japanese spouse visa.
Type of enquiry: 日本人の配偶者等 (Spouse or Child of Japanese National) (preparing an application)
Common situations: preparing the documents is hard work and the couple's views differ / getting irritated at being contacted for extra documents / being sharp with a partner out of worry about the future
Question: Are we the only ones arguing more while the application is pending? How do we get through it?
Why do arguments increase while the application is pending?
Because stresses that are particular to the application period, and that you do not meet in ordinary married life, come all at once.
The pressure of gathering documents
You are taken aback by how many documents are asked for and how detailed they are. Documents proving your past relationship and how you live in particular go into private matters, so you may feel some resistance
One of you mainly takes on the gathering and translating of documents, and feels that the other is not helping enough, so discontent builds up
Private information you may hesitate to submit, such as past messages on social media or photographs, is sometimes included
The pressure of proving that the marriage is real
Screening is carried out strictly, in order to confirm that this is not a sham marriage. Showing your relationship through "evidence" can feel like a mental burden.
Worry about the future
Not knowing whether permission will be granted, or when, puts stress on both of you. For a partner of foreign nationality who wants to keep living in Japan in particular, there is the great pressure of having their own future depend on the result.
The barriers of language and culture
It takes time to understand the Japanese documents and explanations about the procedure, and the misunderstandings and gaps in communication that arise there can also be a cause.
What are the common patterns of argument, and how do we get past them?
They sort into 3 kinds: a gap in understanding, irritation coming from worry, and a lack of cooperation. There is a way to handle each.
Arguments from a gap in understanding
The Japanese side wants to finish the procedure quickly, while the foreign-national side dislikes being asked about private matters, or the other way round.
Set aside time to talk it through fully: Set aside time to talk about what is causing the stress and why it feels that way, until you are both satisfied
Understand your partner's cultural background: If you grew up in different cultures, it is only natural that ways of thinking and feeling differ. Try to understand in the light of your partner's culture and customs
Worry about extra documents or a possible denial
When you are told to send extra documents, or screening drags on, worry and impatience can make you take it out on your partner.
Share information and make the worry visible: Share the situation as a couple, without hiding anything. Look into anything unclear together, or ask a specialist, so that a vague worry becomes something concrete and easier to plan for
Treat it as a joint mission: Treat this period as shared work that cannot be cleared without helping each other
Discontent from a lack of cooperation
One of you handles most of the preparation, and feels that the other is not cooperating.
Make it clear who does what: Decide concretely: "you gather this document", "I will translate this"
Say thank you: Put your thanks for what your partner has done into words, concretely
Take breaks: Time to refresh, such as going out for a change of air, matters too
How can we turn the application period into time that brings us closer?
Treat gathering evidence as a chance to reaffirm your love, talk about the future, and use support from other people.
Take a positive view of gathering evidence: Treat the process of gathering things that show your relationship, such as photographs, exchanges of messages, and time spent with family and friends, as a chance to reaffirm each other
Talk about the future regularly: Make time to talk concretely about the enjoyable future that comes after, such as "where shall we live once it is granted" and "what work do you want to do"
Use support from other people: Do not carry it all as a couple. Try talking to friends or family you trust, or to couples with more experience of international marriage. If the mental pressure is too great, considering counselling is also a good idea
Recognise each other's efforts: Understand how hard your partner is working, and give each other words of appreciation
Worry about the procedure itself can become lighter when a specialist sorts it out for you. Please do get in touch from the preparation stage.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it unusual for a couple to argue more while the application is pending?
It is not unusual. There are stresses particular to this period: the burden of gathering documents, the pressure of proving that the marriage is real, worry about the future, and the barriers of language and culture.
What should we do when discontent comes up over gathering documents?
It helps to decide concretely who does what, such as "which of us gathers this document" and "which of us handles the translation", and to put your thanks for your partner's help into words. Taking breaks between tasks matters too.
What do we do when we are contacted for extra documents and feel anxious?
Share the situation as a couple, without hiding anything. Look into anything unclear together, or ask a specialist, so that a vague worry becomes something concrete and easier to plan for.
What do we do when differences in outlook mean the conversation goes nowhere?
Set aside time to talk about what is causing the stress and why it feels that way, until you are both satisfied. Start from the premise that it is only natural to feel differently when you grew up in different cultures, and try to understand in the light of your partner's culture and customs.
This article provides general information. Immigration rules change, and outcomes depend on individual circumstances. Please check the Immigration Services Agency website or consult a qualified specialist.
This page is a translation of the Japanese original. Where the two differ, the Japanese version prevails.
